They Teach Too Much Science in Our Schools

Lets face facts, people. Schools have too much science these days. My buddy's son Tom is a real spitfire. But when I see all the books that this kid's bringing home, books filled with Biology, Geology and whatever other Ology you can imagine, it just makes me sick. I say screw that. Who has science ever helped? No one. What has science ever given us? Nothing. That's an established fact. If we start teaching kids more science, all we're going to wind up with is hopped-up taggers armed with futuristic weapons of unimaginable destructive power.

Now Tom tells me they're gonna teach him this new Intelligent Design stuff alongside all his other science classes. I support this. I know that might cheese-off some of you lieberals in the room, but who gives a flying fudge? If you guys had your way we'd all be gay-married to chimpanzees right now and too stoned on medical marijuana to notice. I'm all for teaching Creationism in school, I just don't know why we have to pair it off with this evolution nonsense. Putting the holy word of our one true Lord next to some dead English dude's made-up lies is like ordering the best banana split in the world, only to have it served next to the corpse of Margaret Thatcher. And that ain't the way I roll.

Jesus turned out pretty good, if you ask me. When I have kids, they're only learning the science Jesus learned when he was in Catholic school. Smart brains lead to smart mouths, and the world's got too many of those as it is.

I am Awesome

"Quiver before my unrelenting awesomeness"

-William Tecumseh Sherman

In the not so distant past, life was much more difficult than it is today. Cholera, post-colonial political struggle, heavy pollution and economic inequality were rife. Whole societies found themselves with no recourse but to condemn a majority of their populations to virtual slavery. The world was a dark place, and nothing was what it seemed.

Today, as the world basks in the light of my perpetual and unrelenting awesomeness, many people get a small, sad twinge of nostalgia thinking back to those times. War, famine, death, AIDS, homelessness, depression, recession. Words that only a few years ago were the driving forces behind mankind's desperate struggle, now suddenly meaningless, harmless as a shark on a Bennigans roof. It almost seems funny to look back, to see the amount of sturm unt drang that people went through. "The solution was so simple;" people think, slapping themselves on their unblemished foreheads, "how could we not see it sitting in front of us the entire time?" All society needed was the warmth of my record-shattering awesomeness.

Though we are blessed today, never forget the sacrifices that were made so that this great country could finally have the awesomeness it deserves.